Just a few, ok quite a few, thoughts...

I know I devote a lot of time on this blog talking about Emeric but I guess I use this as my journal and well, I doubt most people that read this come looking for good reading material. I don't try to be entertaining or educational I just talk. Everyone that knows me knows I love to talk! :)

Everyone that's read this blog for very long also knows that I've talked about how I go through these cycles in terms of Emeric's health. Sometimes I am filled with hope and I don't talk about it every second of every day. Other days it's all I think of. I'm sure people are starting to wish the days of talking about it every second of every day would become less and less and I'm sure eventually they will but it seems like everytime something new pops up that we have to deal with I'm left back at the beginning on this road of acceptance.

But then there are times where someone says something or I read something and I am left feeling a bit more at ease with things. And it always seems to be something so insignificant to others and I wonder what's wrong with me that I could take something away from it that was so significant! I don't have a lot of depth, it doesn't take much to get through to me! :)

That happened to me tonight. I started a Bible study by Beth Moore on Esther. I recently started another study of hers on the Tabernacle and I thought about skipping this one because frankly, I didn't figure I'd keep up with the homework. But I decided to go and I'm so glad I did.

Do you know what another definition of Hope is? Aspiration. Do you know what Emeric was recently found to have? Aspiration. Can I just say that when she used the word aspiration as another definiton for hope I felt a lump in my throat. And then I thought it was such a coincidence that she used the word aspiration and obviously no one else probably thought twice about the word but to me it was like a light bulb went off in my head and I thought...hope, I can have that. And I remember what she said last year in a study I did that whenever you just really got something that's because God meant it for you. It wasn't just a coincidence. It doesn't matter if no one else got it because if you did it was FOR YOU.

So, I'm having this argument in my head wondering if God really intended me to get something or if it was just a coincidence and then she said, "Coincidences are miracles in which God remains anonymous."

Wow.

At that point the arguing stopped and I accepted the fact that I got the lump in my throat because God intended it that way. He used a simple word that doesn't even mean the same thing in that context and got through to me.

The entire study is based on the book of Esther where she points out that God's name isn't mentioned once in the entire book. She mentions times where God performed miracles and it was obvious who was at work and then other times, "God works through the individual and maybe there's no bigger miracle."

Can I just say that again? Sure I can, it's my blog. hee hee...

"Sometimes God works through the individual and maybe there's no bigger miracle."

Time and time again I have told people that I really feel like God is not going to perform an obvious miracle in Emeric's life and completely heal him from this disease but that I have already seen the miracle he can perform in individual lives.

Maybe he won't heal Emeric PHYSICALLY but maybe because of him others will be healed spiritually or emotionally. Does that sound corny or ridiculous? I hope not because I really believe it. I don't believing healing always has to be physical.

The faith does not come just in believing that God can heal Emeric. It comes in believing that God does not have to heal him for me to remain faithful. God doesn't have to heal him for me to trust that there's a bigger plan. I don't always like it, or accept it, or understand it but I didn't grow up always liking things or accepting things or understanding things and yet in the end I can see how they were because those people loved me and knew what was better for me then.

Beth goes on to say, "We trust the providence without the miracle". Do I need a miracle to have faith in God? No. Do I still struggle everyday with those worries and fears and doubts? Yes.

This life isn't a mistake. It isn't Plan B. God hasn't put you on hold while he helps someone else. It's easy to blame God when things don't go our way but yet do we thank God when they do?

I don't know what other people are going through but I do know that God won't leave you. Just when I start feeling like He's given up on me and realized I'm not a very faithful follower I receive a blessing like I did tonight.

I don't for one second believe that using the word aspiration as a definition for Hope meant nothing. I've been really scared about this issue of aspirating ever since I found out about. Ever since the doctor said it will slowly cause lung damage and ever since knowing that if it gets worse there's a possibility of having to stop feeding Emeric. I woke up last night because I heard Emeric coughing and then he quit and I fell back asleep. And then I had a dream that he was hospitalized for pneumonia and he died. I guess it was more of a nightmare really. But that's how much this issue has been on my mind.

And in all of it comes the realization that God is real and He really cares for me. My failures aren't a big deal to Him. In fact Paul says we should boast in our weaknesses for when we are weak we are very strong. His power is made perfect in our weakness.